I met a boy.
I was 9.
We grew up together, and were very close. He moved away, we decided we couldn't be apart. We got married. We had a beautiful baby girl. We started drifting apart. We became the best roommates ever. It finally came to a breaking point. He wanted less, I wanted more. He wasn't there, I was somewhere else. Just short of our 5 year anniversary, we made a trip to the courthouse and asked for a divorce.
He started doing his own thing, going to yoga, talking to people, and in general realizing there was a world outside. I found someone that gave me everything I was deprived of. It all seemed to make sense, and it seemed like it was for the best. For everyone.
One day I finally realized I wasn't mad anymore, and I wasn't holding in resentment. I was just clear. It all hit me, and it hurt more than anything I can explain. I looked through pictures of our wedding, at the face of our baby girl, at cards he had written me... and I was beginning to realize that it was all gone. I couldn't stop crying. I decided it was only fair to him to let him know that it finally affected me. It had bothered him all along that I showed no emotion over the break up. I was so numb, and so angry that it just didn't matter anymore. It took 6 months, and I finally let the walls down... and I was missing part of myself. Someone I had been close to since I was 9, someone I was married to for 5 years, someone I brought a child into the world with... was nothing to me now.
I decided I had to talk to him.
We didn't talk... we just connected. Everything that had been an issue was resolved. Time and circumstances had changed us both.
I've really always believed in soul mates. "True love is your soul's recognition of it's counterpoint in another." I couldn't understand what happened to us, what happened to that.
He told me it wasn't my fault, and I did the right thing - and he never would have changed if I had not done everything exactly the way I did. He likes the person he is now. He accepted he would never have me back, but he knew he would never move on from me. He couldn't look me in the face, and he knew he lost his soul mate.
A lot of things make sense to me at first. Especially with relationships. I'm so hopeful that I convince myself it can and will work. He has always been, and will always be, the only thing that makes sense to me all the time.
When we were growing up everyone always assumed we liked each other, even before we realized we did. When we got together everyone responded with "it's about time!" When we broke up, everyone was heartbroken. When we reconciled everyone was relieved.
Ironically our song was always "A Sorta Fairytale"... we're gonna have to find a new song. That one is a little sad. ;)
I'm still back on track with working out. My abs are starting to show again, and of course I will be posting pictures soon. I'm just kind of throwing an update out there, because I've been missing for so long. I'm back now... and I'm not going anywhere.
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